My Burden

The following post has terminology indicitive of my status as a member of the LDS church. If you aren't a member of the church and would like to know the meaning of some of the words I use go here and/or here.

Yesterday I had a mini breakdown. Remember when I said that I was going to have a happy pregnancy and that I was going to have a good attitude about bed rest? I think I've done a pretty good job with both of those tasks, but yesterday was just one of those days. I found myself saying words I've heard my mother use over and over again..."I can't live like this anymore!!!" When my mother used these words, she usually meant her house was way too messy - well that was the reason I used those words yesterday. My pregnancy horemones give me anxiety over a few messy dishes in the sink or a disorganized countertop - either that or I'm just an anal clean freak (it's most likely the former). I started thinking about it though, and began to feel the heavy burden this pregnancy has been. I knew I had reached a breaking point and that I was ready to be done with all of the trials I've been enduring over the last 9 months. It reminded me of a lesson I learned not too long ago.

I've said before that I thought I waisted my 20 something years waiting. I was waiting for my eternal companion to come along, waiting and wondering why God would make me stay single for so much longer than almost all of my friends. I feel like I wasted my time waiting rather than living my life to its fullest potential. Each time I would complain about my single status to my mother, she would always say "You need to give your burden over to the Lord and everything will work out how it needs to work out." I would reply with something like, "But I've already done that so why don't I feel any better?" The fact is that I really didn't fully give my burden to the Savior, I kept a part of it with me, because I was, I think, afraid of letting go entirely of something that had been my companion for so many years, no matter how miserable it made me.

My 30th birthday was one of the hardest days of my life because I thought it was all over. I thought 30 was the point where few, if any, Mormon women had the chance to find the one they would be sealed to forever. After that, I decided to be happy with how my life had turned out and that I would cherish all of the good things life had to offer. Not long after that I had a discussion with my Heavenly Father where I truly gave the burden of my singularity over to my Savior and I felt more happy and liberated than I had ever felt before. I felt light and free from the cross that had held me down for so long. Three months later, my Robbie entered my life, I think, because I had finally learned what Heavenly Father was trying to teach me. I'm not saying that if you're single, this is how to get a man, but it was the way I was finally able to be happy and content with my life.

So there I sat yesterday, feeling the weight and burden of this pregnancy and all I could think of was how tired I was of it all. The sickness, the kidney stones, the ER/hospital visit, the early labor, the gestational diabetes, the high blood pressure and the scare that all of this may affect and/or harm my baby. I can't say it's been easy to bear - in fact it's been down right difficult and yesterday I didn't feel like I could endure any longer and wondered why the Lord chose me to deal with it all.

Then I started to think about my discussion with Heavenly Father a few short years ago and I remembered that I learned that lesson for a reason. Being single wasn't the one last burden I would ever have to bear in this life. There would be others, many others and the lesson I learned would need to sustain me through all of them. So I know it's time, again, to get on my knees and have another discussion with my Father to, yet again, hand this burden over to my Savior. If I didn't, wouldn't his death and atonement for my sins and afflictions be in vain? This is why He came to this world, to be the one perfect being who could suffer and atone for all of us. He is the reason why we don't have to "live like this anymore." The only one who could truly understand and empathize with all of the trials and suffering that come with being alive. I can only say now that I am grateful for the knowledge that Jesus Christ is my Savior and that I always have someone to go to when I feel my load is too heavy to bear.