Sunday, September 30, 2007

Traffic School

I love cheesing it with an orange rind in my mouth...It's so Liberating!

Yeah, it's been a few since my first post. I know I should have been over excited and posted like 9 times already. I have a good excuse though...I sat on my arse from 7am to 4:30pm on Saturday for traffic school. I can't tell you how depressing it was to sit under fluorescent lighting for an entire Saturday listening to someone drone on about California traffic laws. Did you know that I break the law with my car at least 30 times a day? I don't think I'm going to stop...just to spite the system. Hey! They made me waste a perfectly good Saturday and I'm getting them back by not signaling when I change lanes or putting my makeup on when I drive. Ha! So there!

The good thing about it was that the class occurred in Southern California (lots 'o weirdos down here) and I took some great notes on the people and situations around me. You may want to remove any young children from the room before reading the rest of this post (Heather Taylor - since you have an impressionable fetus growing inside of you, you may want to use caution before proceeding)...People in California are worse than the lunatics who run Rocky Point Haunted House!

The Lady to my Left

I figured that since all I had to do was stay awake, I'd take this opportunity to do a little writing. The problem with this was that I was in a room of about 150 people who were as bored out of their minds as I was and they had nothing better to do but to take a look at what I was doing. The person to my left thought it rather strange I should want to take notes in the class. Since we were crammed in like a couple of sardines on their wedding night, she felt she had no choice than to keep an eye on me and what I was writing. Have you ever wanted to do something that would shock the people around you? I was this close (imagine me holding up my index finger and thumb about a millimeter apart) to cuddling up to her, putting my head on her shoulder and asking her to sing me her rendition of "Yankee Doodle Dandy" know, for shock value.

She was also extremely appalled that I had the gall to weigh over 99 lbs. This is Southern California for heavens sake! Why on earth would anyone let themselves weigh 110 lbs!?!? (I've changed my weight to protect the innocent) My curves must've bothered her because she couldn't help but roll her eyes at me every 20 seconds. Oh! and it was ALL OVER when I had to climb over her to use the rest room. Instead of standing up and moving into the isle, she would rather watch me trip over her knees (that reached all the way to the seat in front of her, by the way) hurtle myself toward her and literally fall into her lap before I could compose myself and move my curvy body into the isle. (I think she secretly enjoyed it, who knows she could have been a lesbian)

I LOVE Sunlight!

When I've been cooped up in a fluorescently lit court room for four hours the sun is a welcome ray of heat and light. As I walk into the beautiful Southern California heat all my feeling begins to return to my body. The boredom dissipates, the helplessness is replaced with feelings of joy and emotion. Happiness rushes back into my body like a broken dam...the water waiting to surge out to freedom - pent up in its prison for far too long. The sun lifts my mood to levels of near euphoria...NOTHING can bring me down from this state of joy...nothing EXCEPT a fluorescently lit court room where boredom abounds. (Sigh) Back to traffic school.

Thoughts on Life

My life is an open book. I have no secrets from anyone or anything. Of course my life is full of sacred things that I hold dear to my heart - things I don't publish to the world. But, as far as secrets go, I don't think I have any. I'm happy to talk to you about my bowel movements...that is if you'll listen. I had a great one this morning, by the way. I hear that if the poo're doing something right. I must be doing A LOT of somethings right. Just remember - you took the risk of reading this...

Make-up? Friend or Foe?
Disclamer: I'm really not that judgmental...I just couldn't help writing the following!

I truly believe that we are all God's Children and he loves us all equally. I also believe that we are all beautiful in our own way...some of us just take our "beautification" a little too far. There's something unsettling when you're faced with someone who looks like she should have her own cartoon show on Saturday morning. Honestly, the photo to the left is the one image I could find that looked even remotely close to this woman. I'm glad she was wearing make-up...sort of? But I ask you one question. Why on earth would you wear so much eye make-up that you put Sephora out of business to enhance your already frog-like eyes? If she's been doing plastic surgery...honey - you were fine the way you were. On top of all the eye there a reason she just HAD to pluck her eyebrows into oblivion, then color them in with the darkest eyeliner she could find (she's probably BFF's with Angelica Houston). This I do know...she chose "Hooker Red" for her lips, because she's probably training to become a hooker...

Did I learn ANYTHING from Traffic School?

Probably not. But I did write down this acronym:



I think I have a better one though...

Some day
Idiots will not
Piss me off because I'm
Determined to
Eliminate everyone behind a wheel who isn't me...

If you have a better one...please share. I need a good laugh!

Friday, September 28, 2007


Ahhhh...Robbie is so HANDSOME!

I drive everywhere...well, all over Southern California. That's what I do, it's part of my job description. I can't say I do it well. A $300 traffic violation and 8 hours in traffic school are teaching me that it isn't worth it to drive over 90 on the freeways of Southern California (drive anywhere below 89 and you're home free...the cops just ignore you). Anyhoo...focus Emily...focus...

So I was driving the stretch of the 5 freeway through Camp Pendleton (So. Cal's marine base) and I started thinking, "I wish I were more creative...I used to be...I was such a good writer in college...HEY BUDDY - WATCH WHERE YOU'RE DRIVING...Idiot cut me off...I wish I could think of something to write about..." DUM DUM DUM (Drum Roll) - and that's when inspiration struck. I knew I needed to write something about my maternal grandmother - then I swerved passed another crazy lunatic. Why don't people drive as well as I do?

Grandma had such an amazing life. I called my mom later on in the day to run the idea by her and she said "You need to be more careful on those Southern California freeways." No wait that's what she says every other time I call her. She actually said, "Yeah, grandma did have an amazing life. You'd be surprised how interesting your own life is if you sat down to write about it."

So there you go. I'm dedicating this blog to my failing creativity. I've got to find my inner creative child. I've got to have an outlet to post all my crazy ideas and mind wanderings. One day my creativity will flourish and I'll be an amazing writer who has so much money she's richer than the queen of England...wait, isn't that the Harry Potter lady?

Please tell me what you think...I'll be praying, hoping, waiting with baited breath to read your ideas and get your feedback as to how I can bring this dream of becoming a writer to fruition.

Happy Blogging...