Saturday, January 26, 2008

A Whale of a Story

This post is for all two of you who have actually checked my blog on a regular basis hopeful that the rantings of Em-Cat would one day continue. Yours is a labor of love, a pilgrimage to Mecca...through blood, sweat and tears your work has paid off and this post is for you. I have returned in all my glory to give you a silly story from the life of a lunatic...ME...Enjoy!

Disclaimer: This is an old story that I've told at many parties, gatherings and even church functions. It's also something that my family continues to tease me about to this day. If you've already heard this - keep reading - you may find something new to make fun of me about. If you haven't heard this story - I promise 100% that it's true - Honestly, I have Melissa, Matt and Johnny (the mouths of three witnesses) who will attest to my mania.

To start - you must know that I never got the birds and the bees talk...Ok - my mother will never forgive me for saying that in the blogosphere, so I guess I should say that I received my mother's watered down version of the birds and the bees. Those of you who know my personality, know that I have no inhibitions - this girl ain't afraid to ask questions no matter how uncomfortable it may make those surrounding me. Take these two facts and put me in a human biology class talking about reproduction...and you have a good old fashioned crisis on your hands.

Knowing this you can only imagine the dinner conversations we had during my high school years. They usually ended up with my dad shaking his head, my mom turning beet red and saying..."Emily...I didn't raise you to be this way!!!!!" and the rest of us lapping it up like members of a caravan at a desert oasis.

Then...came the sisters-in-law. You try joining a family whose younger siblings did everything in their power to make guests uncomfortable. To this day I'm amazed that any of my brothers actually got a girl to agree to a life as a Seamons. It was a feat that should be commended. I really should give all my sisters-in-law awards for overlooking the lunacy factor and joining our family anyway.

This story, however, includes poor Meg. JJ brought her home to meet the family one night and the girl got a large dose of crazy. Mel, Matt and myself became a huge ball of "let's see who can make mom the reddest." This of course meant bringing up dinner conversations that had happened years ago and the whole human biology subject.

I pipped in at one point saying: "You know what I don't get? It's how Whales do it...It's not like you tune into the Discovery Channel to see this whale swimming around with his huge schlong hanging down."

...and Matt replied: "Funny you should say that. I just saw a Discovery Channel program just the other day on the mating habits of whales and I swear the thing is huge...it's as big as our house!"

We all got a big laugh and Meg still married JJ and she's been a good sport ever since...but wait! That's NOT the end of my story.

Fast forward to about three years ago. It was summer time and I was bringing a boy home we'll call "Dye Job" to meet the family. I told my mom to warn everyone to be on their best behavior. This guy was super shy and I don't think he really ever understood me or my family at all...In fact, I actually wonder why he even agreed to meet them in the first place. Thank heavens we broke up after all this or I would have never met Robbie (aaaaahhhhh).

My mom told everyone to be good and a few days before the event I received an e-mail from Melissa that read:

"I hear you're bringing a boy home. I'll be good, I promise." Attached to the e-mail was this picture:

I laughed so hard I peed my pants!!!

The next day we were at a family gathering. Melissa and I were telling Matt and Johnny about the e-mail and Melissa said: "I actually cropped the picture...It had some funny statistics like...'when a whale ejaculates is emits 400 gallons of semen, only 10% of which reaches it's mate...Makes you wonder why the sea is so salty.'"

...and without missing a beat I looked into Melissa's eyes and without any guile said, "REALLY? THAT'S WHY THE SEA IS SO SALTY?????" For about two seconds I actually believed it.

There you have it...me on a plate. I don't think I'll ever get over my naiveté, and honestly, I don't ever want to. As you've already guessed, I kinda like making fun of myself. It makes for great stories...

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