I love cheesing it with an orange rind in my mouth...It's so Liberating!
Yeah, it's been a few since my first post. I know I should have been over excited and posted like 9 times already. I have a good excuse though...I sat on my arse from 7am to 4:30pm on Saturday for traffic school. I can't tell you how depressing it was to sit under fluorescent lighting for an entire Saturday listening to someone drone on about California traffic laws. Did you know that I break the law with my car at least 30 times a day? I don't think I'm going to stop...just to spite the system. Hey! They made me waste a perfectly good Saturday and I'm getting them back by not signaling when I change lanes or putting my makeup on when I drive. Ha! So there!
The good thing about it was that the class occurred in Southern California (lots 'o weirdos down here) and I took some great notes on the people and situations around me. You may want to remove any young children from the room before reading the rest of this post (Heather Taylor - since you have an impressionable fetus growing inside of you, you may want to use caution before proceeding)...People in California are worse than the lunatics who run Rocky Point Haunted House!
The Lady to my Left
I figured that since all I had to do was stay awake, I'd take this opportunity to do a little writing. The problem with this was that I was in a room of about 150 people who were as bored out of their minds as I was and they had nothing better to do but to take a look at what I was doing. The person to my left thought it rather strange I should want to take notes in the class. Since we were crammed in like a couple of sardines on their wedding night, she felt she had no choice than to keep an eye on me and what I was writing. Have you ever wanted to do something that would shock the people around you? I was this close (imagine me holding up my index finger and thumb about a millimeter apart) to cuddling up to her, putting my head on her shoulder and asking her to sing me her rendition of "Yankee Doodle Dandy"...you know, for shock value.
She was also extremely appalled that I had the gall to weigh over 99 lbs. This is Southern California for heavens sake! Why on earth would anyone let themselves weigh 110 lbs!?!? (I've changed my weight to protect the innocent) My curves must've bothered her because she couldn't help but roll her eyes at me every 20 seconds. Oh! and it was ALL OVER when I had to climb over her to use the rest room. Instead of standing up and moving into the isle, she would rather watch me trip over her knees (that reached all the way to the seat in front of her, by the way) hurtle myself toward her and literally fall into her lap before I could compose myself and move my curvy body into the isle. (I think she secretly enjoyed it, who knows she could have been a lesbian)
I figured that since all I had to do was stay awake, I'd take this opportunity to do a little writing. The problem with this was that I was in a room of about 150 people who were as bored out of their minds as I was and they had nothing better to do but to take a look at what I was doing. The person to my left thought it rather strange I should want to take notes in the class. Since we were crammed in like a couple of sardines on their wedding night, she felt she had no choice than to keep an eye on me and what I was writing. Have you ever wanted to do something that would shock the people around you? I was this close (imagine me holding up my index finger and thumb about a millimeter apart) to cuddling up to her, putting my head on her shoulder and asking her to sing me her rendition of "Yankee Doodle Dandy"...you know, for shock value.
She was also extremely appalled that I had the gall to weigh over 99 lbs. This is Southern California for heavens sake! Why on earth would anyone let themselves weigh 110 lbs!?!? (I've changed my weight to protect the innocent) My curves must've bothered her because she couldn't help but roll her eyes at me every 20 seconds. Oh! and it was ALL OVER when I had to climb over her to use the rest room. Instead of standing up and moving into the isle, she would rather watch me trip over her knees (that reached all the way to the seat in front of her, by the way) hurtle myself toward her and literally fall into her lap before I could compose myself and move my curvy body into the isle. (I think she secretly enjoyed it, who knows she could have been a lesbian)
I LOVE Sunlight!
When I've been cooped up in a fluorescently lit court room for four hours the sun is a welcome ray of heat and light. As I walk into the beautiful Southern California heat all my feeling begins to return to my body. The boredom dissipates, the helplessness is replaced with feelings of joy and emotion. Happiness rushes back into my body like a broken dam...the water waiting to surge out to freedom - pent up in its prison for far too long. The sun lifts my mood to levels of near euphoria...NOTHING can bring me down from this state of joy...nothing EXCEPT a fluorescently lit court room where boredom abounds. (Sigh) Back to traffic school.
Thoughts on Life
My life is an open book. I have no secrets from anyone or anything. Of course my life is full of sacred things that I hold dear to my heart - things I don't publish to the world. But, as far as secrets go, I don't think I have any. I'm happy to talk to you about my bowel movements...that is if you'll listen. I had a great one this morning, by the way. I hear that if the poo floats...you're doing something right. I must be doing A LOT of somethings right. Just remember - you took the risk of reading this...
Make-up? Friend or Foe?
Disclamer: I'm really not that judgmental...I just couldn't help writing the following!
I truly believe that we are all God's Children and he loves us all equally. I also believe that we are all beautiful in our own way...some of us just take our "beautification" a little too far. There's something unsettling when you're faced with someone who looks like she should have her own cartoon show on Saturday morning. Honestly, the photo to the left is the one image I could find that looked even remotely close to this woman. I'm glad she was wearing make-up...sort of? But I ask you one question. Why on earth would you wear so much eye make-up that you put Sephora out of business to enhance your already frog-like eyes? If she's been doing plastic surgery...honey - you were fine the way you were. On top of all the eye make-up...is there a reason she just HAD to pluck her eyebrows into oblivion, then color them in with the darkest eyeliner she could find (she's probably BFF's with Angelica Houston). This I do know...she chose "Hooker Red" for her lips, because she's probably training to become a hooker...
Disclamer: I'm really not that judgmental...I just couldn't help writing the following!
I truly believe that we are all God's Children and he loves us all equally. I also believe that we are all beautiful in our own way...some of us just take our "beautification" a little too far. There's something unsettling when you're faced with someone who looks like she should have her own cartoon show on Saturday morning. Honestly, the photo to the left is the one image I could find that looked even remotely close to this woman. I'm glad she was wearing make-up...sort of? But I ask you one question. Why on earth would you wear so much eye make-up that you put Sephora out of business to enhance your already frog-like eyes? If she's been doing plastic surgery...honey - you were fine the way you were. On top of all the eye make-up...is there a reason she just HAD to pluck her eyebrows into oblivion, then color them in with the darkest eyeliner she could find (she's probably BFF's with Angelica Houston). This I do know...she chose "Hooker Red" for her lips, because she's probably training to become a hooker...Did I learn ANYTHING from Traffic School?
Probably not. But I did write down this acronym:
SIPDE
Search
Identify
Predict
Decide
Execute
I think I have a better one though...
Some day
Idiots will not
Piss me off because I'm
Determined to
Eliminate everyone behind a wheel who isn't me...
If you have a better one...please share. I need a good laugh!
SIPDE
Search
Identify
Predict
Decide
Execute
I think I have a better one though...
Some day
Idiots will not
Piss me off because I'm
Determined to
Eliminate everyone behind a wheel who isn't me...
If you have a better one...please share. I need a good laugh!
8 comments:
a) I would have paid you $20 if you cuddled up to her and YOU sang "Yankee Doodle Dandy"
and
b) In case anyone doubts that Em is an open book...I'm living proof that she'll happily discuss her BM's with you, I probably know more about her bowel movements and wierd smelling pee than anyone other than her husband. Eeew.
Traffic school, huh? You should visit this website
http://lacantdrive.blogspot.com
Some of it is funny, others are just sad and pathetic.
I'm not so sure I really want to go to a site about driving...I'm still depressed from having to be in traffic school for so long...I'll try it in a few days!
hey, your make up segment reminded me---i got a makeover! just recently for my birthday. i went to a mac counter and had it done then said, "i'll take it all." i about dropped a floating turd when they rang it up. i even wear it sometimes.
K8...I don't think I've ever seen you wear make-up in my entire life! Ok so I haven't known you my entire life, but that's beside the point. I bet it looks great, though you have natural beauty...but it's fun to dress up once in a while - no?
On traffic school: people watching or passive agression? First, valuable; second, a waste! Use your blinkers,se tu plais.
Votre Pere.
Huh?
Hi, you don't know me, and I have never commented on a blog before, but I had to tell you that I was so surprized to see your shout out to Heather. She is my best friend! To think what a small world! I found you because my sister-in-law Cecily told me about Lisa's 3-6-5 bolg, which I love and check all the time. The other day I stumbled across her other blog (it is just as fun) which has a link to this one,and it looked interesting so I popped on and there was Heather. So we have never met but we have a common friend!
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