Does My Writing Suck?: February 2008

Have you ever had one of those experiences where something so embarrassing happened that you wish you and everyone involved would forget it? The following is one of those experiences...THANK HEAVENS it didn't happen to me or I'd never lived it down (I'm still trying to forget the Salty Sea experience...hmmm...I guess I shouldn't have put that one into the blogosphere...What can I say? Sometimes I ain't the brightest star in the sky). I was actually one of the people who witnessed the following incident. Those of you who know me, know I LOVE to embellish things - you know for shock value - and the funny thing is, there is absolutely no embellishment in the following story. That's what makes it so incredibly HILARIOUS!

I have a dear friend named...Wait! I'm going to have to change her name to protect her innocence...hmmm...Let's just say her name starts with an "N" and ends with a "atalie." (What can I say? I have the personality of a 5th grader, too bad I don't have the intelligence of a 5th grader...If I had, I might have done better on the G-Mat, or at least had a higher nerd score - I'd better shut up before everyone online knows how dumb I really am)

I've been friends with Natalie since junior high school . I always thought she was the most natural, down to earth and fun-loving friend I had. She still is...She's always known when to be serious, but she definitely had this innocently funny personality when it was time to be silly. You'll know why I use the word "innocent" as you continue to read...

One night, some of my buddies and I decided to hang out at our friend Rachel's house. The bulk of us (by "bulk" I mean all of us but Natalie) became engrossed in a fascinating conversation - the content of which completely slips my mind at the moment (Crap! I think I'm getting early onset Alzheimer's).

After sitting there listening to us droll on about whatever it was we were talking about, Natalie piped up and said she wanted to watch a movie. We were too absorbed in our conversation to pay her any mind. I don't think any of us even noticed her leaving the room.

After a few minutes she reappeared at the foot of the living room stair case and announced that she had picked out a movie and everything was ready for us to join her downstairs. We all gave her this look like "uh...whatever" and continued on with our fascinating conversation about (in your best valley-girl voice) how cool drama is and how we're totally all going to major in musical theatre and like Larry Mullen Jr. is like totally hot and how cool Shayne and Sean are for inventing "red-mountain-ruby-dew-biting-cocktails"and how much Sterling Keyes reminded us of a younger version of "Mr. Holland's Opus" etc, etc, etc...She couldn't seem to get our attention, so she gave up for a few minutes and went back downstairs.

5 minutes passed and she reappeared, to once again to begin her futile attempts to try and persuade us to come downstairs to watch a movie!!!! This happened another 2 or 3 times. Finally, she just stood on the staircase glaring at us through the railing.

She must have been super bored, because after a few minutes of begging us to pay attention to her, she became silent. I think it was the silence that actually caught our attention. Simultaneously, the group of us turned our heads toward her and finally gave her the notice she'd been pleading for...It didn't really hit us until her sheepish little voice said "Uh, guys!?!?!? I think I'm stuck!"

Did she say "Stuck"? Why yes she did. "What could she possibly be stuck in?" you ask? Do you remember when you were like, I don't know, 3 years old, and your mom was constantly telling you not to stick your head between the poles in the railing? Right around 4 years old and after traumatically getting your head jammed between the railing poles like 12 times you finally figured out that it wasn't a great idea to put your head there. Somehow that concept never quite made it to the area of Natalie's brain where the "common sense" is stored. You guessed it...this 17 year old "almost" adult had gotten her head wedged between two poles and was furiously and fruitlessly trying to pull it out.

Everyone in the room burst out laughing so hard that our intestines felt like they were about to poke through our jeans.

Rachel had this high-strung cocker spaniel who got nervous any time someone looked at it funny. You can only imagine how this dog reacted with all the chaos. He simply didn't have any other option than to plop a dooby right smack dab in front of Natalie's wedged head. Naturally this turned our mere laughter into hollers of sheer joy and delight in seeing our poor friend in this situation. I swear I laughed all the cellulite off of my rear end.

The poor girl had to sit there inhaling the fumes of the doggy turd while we had our laugh out...Of course times like these required documentation. What kind of writer would I be without illustrations?

Natalie With Head in Rail

Don't We Look Like the Cast of "Rent"?
(Top Row: Nicole and Danny Middle Row: Em-Cat, Natalie and Kelly, Bottom Row: Rachel)

After taking pictures and laughing some more, we finally Crisco'd her temples and slipped her right out. Natalie was such a good sport and still is about it to this day. I think she has to be...it's just something she's going to have to live with for the rest of her life.

Thanks Nat for giving me permission to tell your embarrassing story to my peeps online. I owe you one!